🌱 WEEK 11 — Choosing Healing Instead of Numbing (2022–2023)

Healing Journey Series — From Darkness to Light

Surviving kept me alive.

But eventually, I knew I wanted more than survival.

After the first year without Zack, I reached a place where I knew I couldn’t live in the same kind of pain forever.

The grief was still there — it always will be — but something inside me began to whisper:

“You can keep surviving… or you can start healing.”

It wasn’t a loud moment.

It wasn’t dramatic or poetic.

It was quiet.

It was slow.

And it was real.

This was the year I made a choice.

I was done carrying my pain the same way.

I wanted to learn how to live with it — not hide from it.

________________________________________

🌿 Letting Go of Numbing, Even When It Felt Easier

After losing a child, the urge to numb everything is strong.

Alcohol, avoidance, shutting down — all of it can feel like an easy way to survive.

I did drink in the very early days of shock. But after Zack’s celebration of life, I didn’t turn back to alcohol to numb the pain. My body wouldn’t allow it. Every time I tried to escape what I was feeling, the grief returned heavier and louder the next day.

I realized that numbing didn’t work for me. My body kept asking me to stay present, even when it was uncomfortable.

So I started doing the opposite of what I had always done.

I let myself feel.

• I cried when I needed to

• I took deep breaths when panic hit

• I allowed memories to come instead of pushing them away

• I talked to Zack out loud

• I let the pain move instead of trapping it

It wasn’t graceful.

It wasn’t pretty.

But it was honest.

And honest healing is the only kind that works.

________________________________________

✨ Rebuilding My Spirit After Losing So Much

I reached a point where I had to decide who I wanted to be moving forward.

Not only as a mother who lost a child,

but as a woman who still had life to live.

I began reconnecting with the things that gave me meaning:

🌿 Reiki — bringing comfort to my nervous system

🌙 Grounding — helping me stay in my body

🕯 Spiritual connection — continuing my bond with Zack

🧘‍♀️ Breathwork — easing anxiety

📚 Psychology — helping me understand my trauma

✨ Intuition and faith — becoming a new guide in my life

Gratitude also became a ritual for me.

In the mornings, I learned to be grateful for waking up and breathing.

Throughout the day, I paused to acknowledge moments of steadiness.

And at night, I thanked my body for carrying me through another day.

It wasn’t about pretending things were okay.

It was about honoring the life I was still here to live.

Little by little, I felt something shifting inside me.

Not happiness —

but clarity.

Not “moving on” —

but moving differently.

________________________________________

💛 Redefining My Identity as a Mother and a Woman

Losing a child changes your identity.

You don’t go back to who you were —

you become someone you’ve never been before.

This year taught me:

• I was still a mother

• I was still connected to him

• I was still deserving of a life

• I could honor Zack by healing myself

• I didn’t have to stay in the darkness forever

I had to learn how to be a mother in a spiritual way now.

Not through touch or words,

but through signs, intuition, presence, and love.

And that love never left.

________________________________________

🌼 Finding Purpose Through Pain

I didn’t set out to create a healing business.

I didn’t think I would ever become someone others turned to for support.

But something shifted when I realized how many people carry trauma silently —

just like I did for years.

I wanted to turn my suffering into something meaningful.

I wanted my story to be a lifeline for someone else.

I wanted to help people feel safe, loved, and seen —

something I never had as a child.

That desire became the foundation of who I was becoming.

This was the year the seed of Neurovert Holistic Healing was planted.

It wasn’t a business then.

It was a calling.

________________________________________

🌸 The Small Moments That Showed Me I Was Healing

Healing didn’t show up all at once.

It came in tiny moments:

• Laughing without guilt

• Feeling the sun without crying

• Talking about Zack without breaking down

• Being able to breathe during triggers

• Waking up with a little more strength

• Noticing peace in small pockets of the day

These moments weren’t big or loud —

but they were signs that healing was happening.

Slowly.

Quietly.

Patiently.

________________________________________

💫 Takeaway:

This year taught me one of the most powerful lessons:

You don’t heal by forgetting.

You heal by learning to live with the love and the loss at the same time.

I didn’t choose healing to “move on.”

I chose healing because I deserved to live.

Because Zack would want me to live.

Because surviving isn’t the same as living —

and love doesn’t end when life changes.